Pump Pharmaceuticals™ presents
AngstiPump
$ANGSTIPUMP
Clinically formulated for degens who check the chart before they check their pulse. One capsule. Zero angst. Straight to the moon shot.
Ask your dealer if PUMP is right for you.
Self-assessment
Is This You?
If you experience two (2) or more of the following symptoms of Chart-Induced Angst, Pump Pharmaceuticals recommends immediate self-medication.
- Refreshing DexScreener every 4 seconds "just to check"
- Phantom notification syndrome — your phone didn't even buzz
- Talking to your bags at 3 AM
- Explaining "it's still early" to people who did not ask
- Chewing the inside of your cheek during red candles
- Rehearsing your "I told you so" speech before it happens
- Googling "is it normal to dream in candlesticks"
- Sudden, unexplained hostility toward green text on someone else's screen
Two or more? You may be a candidate for AngstiPump. Zero? Congratulations, please teach a seminar.
Mechanism of action
How AngstiPump Works
A clinical (fictional) breakdown of the capsule's journey from Pump HQ to your angst center.
Angst Builds
The chart bleeds red. Patient begins refreshing compulsively. Cortisol levels rise faster than the wick.
Capsule Deployed
Pump Pharmaceuticals detects rising angst and dispatches one (1) AngstiPump capsule along a dashed emergency trajectory.
Impact
Capsule makes direct contact with the angst center of the brain. Minor screen shake is normal and expected.
Angst Neutralized
Candles turn green. Patient achieves clinical euphoria. Angst: 0%. Pump: ∞%.
Clinical trial data — live
Trial Results
Figures update automatically once the trial (token) goes live. Individual results may vary. Results not guaranteed.
*Results not clinically verified. Or verified at all. This is a memecoin.
Real (fictional) results
Before & After
- Can't sleep
- Can't eat
- Can't stop refreshing
- Diagnosed: Angst
- Can sleep
- Can eat
- Can't stop buying
- Diagnosed: Pumped
Patient testimonials
It Worked For Them*
"Was down 80%. Took one AngstiPump. Now I'm down 80% but I don't feel anything. 10/10."
@bagholder_pete
"My therapist said 'have you tried talking about your feelings.' AngstiPump said 'have you tried not looking at the chart.' AngstiPump won."
@bearmarket_becca
"Gave one to my dog. He hasn't checked his portfolio since. Neither have I, technically, because he ate my phone."
@degen_dana
"Zero angst. Zero plan. Full send. Would ape again."
@anon_ape
*Compensated with a bag, not cash. Individual results may vary.
Drug facts
Dosage & Directions
Pharmacy counter
How To Fill Your Prescription
Get a wallet
Phantom recommended. No affiliation — we just like the little ghost.
Fund it with SOL
Buy SOL on your preferred exchange and send it to your wallet.
Swap at the counter
Click "Buy $ANGSTIPUMP" above and swap SOL for your capsule.
Take one (1) capsule
Hold. Report side effects to no one.
Safety information
Before You Take AngstiPump
Is AngstiPump a real medication?
No. AngstiPump is a memecoin, not a controlled substance, not medical advice, and not going to fix your sleep schedule.
Is this financial advice?
Also no. This is a joke wrapped in a chart. Do your own research and never invest more than you can lose.
What are the side effects?
Reported side effects include euphoria, overconfidence, screenshotting your portfolio, and texting your ex about your gains.
Can I take more than one?
You already did. That's why you're here.
Is AngstiPump affiliated with pump.fun?
No. We are not affiliated with, endorsed by, or medically approved by pump.fun. We just really like their pill.
You cannot swallow it. Please do not try.